Officially a Caucafrican
It’s been confirmed – I’m officially 50% black and 50% white.
Or is it Black and White? Or is it African-American and Caucasian? Not sure which is P.C. these days and less awkward for people say. (But don’t you just love when people start stuttering because they don’t know which version to use – ha!)
Now, I’m assuming a DNA test could confirm this too (or you know, my black father and white mother), but my very scientific findings are based on something far more reliable: Stuff White People Like.
The creators of this blog have identified 134 things that white people like. I assume that their list could be longer, but they haven’t updated it since September 2010 because their blog became a (second) successful book and their humorous commentary became available for speaking engagements (note to self…)
Either way, I took this list of stuff white people liked, dumped it into an Excel spread sheet, and marked each “thing”:
- Yes – as a white person, I like this
- No – as a black person, I don’t like this
- Maybe – as a female, I can’t make up my mind
This, in theory, would give me my official, uncontested racial percentage breakdown. The result: 39% white, 32% black, 25% woman. Not helpful.
So I forced myself to stop being a girl and make a yes or no decision. After over analyzing each undecided “thing” (guess where #56 Lawyers landed on my list) and taking the bloggers’ rationale into account, I divvyed each gray response clearly into black and white. The final result: 67 yays and 67 nays. Ladies, Gentlemen, Kenny (love you, bro) – I’m half white and half black!
Proof I’m 50% white
- #1 Coffee – Drink a pot every day. They know me by name and order at both DD and Starbucks.
- #2 Religions their parents don’t belong to – It’s no secret I wish I were Jewish, driven largely by my last name.
- #18 Awareness – My career is rooted in “increasing awareness”.
- #37 Renovations – HGTV = crack.
- #47 Arts Degrees – Shout out to my fellow Communication majors.
- #48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops – I don’t shop anywhere else.
- #71 Being the only white person around – If by white you mean Caucafrican, then yes.
- #103 Sweaters – If by sweaters you mean hoodies, then yes.
- #112 Hummus – Crushed red pepper, yes please.
- #113 Halloween – So much so, it’s on CollegeHumor.
- #114 America – G-d Bless it (see #2).
Proof I’m 50% black
- #10 Wes Anderson Movies – Who?
- #28 Not having a TV – Umm, no.
- #33 Marijuana – Believe it or not, never used it nor any other drug. I know – how did I make it through college?
- #55 Apologies – I hate apologizing because that means I’m wrong and I hate being wrong.
- #59 Natural Medicine – Nothing beats a Z-pack
- #61 Bicycles – I HATE pretentious cyclists!
- #67 Standing Still at Concerts – I can’t stand still anywhere, let alone at a location where dancing is socially acceptable.
- #75 Threatening to Move to Canada – No thanks.
- #89 St. Patrick’s Day – Eh, there are better holidays.
- #92 Book Deals – I don’t read books.
- #120 Taking a Year Off – I can barely take a vacation day. I don’t know how to function without a lot going on.
In conclusion: What does this mean? I’m a Caucafrican! I’m clearly not one or the other, though others often refuse to accept that. I don’t fit into the predefined categories (though, who does). Regardless of what your perception may be of someone – based on skin color or disposition – only he/she can say who he/she truly is. We each choose our own identity and define our own sense of self. Mine may be based on a humor blog, but that works for me. So for the record, if you ask me to choose just one, I’ll choose Caucafrican. And now I’ve got the data (…) to back me up. And in the end, it doesn’t make a difference; I’m just Lindsay.
But for the record, I’m making every effort to not breed with a fellow Caucafrican in the event this happens:
But you better believe I would name those kids (male or female) Ebony and Ivory. Guess where I landed on #50 Irony?